• Celia K Nott

In the Mood

July 13, 2021

Dear Elbie,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months, but we've known each other for years. I've always loved him; he's funny, intelligent, and has muscles in all the right places. Basically he is perfect! Plus, he loves me, curves and all!

But last week we were fooling around and he... well, he farted. Loudly! It ruined the mood, but not just for that night. Ever since, any time he tries to initiate sexy times with me... well, I'm just not into him anymore.

I don't think he knows why I'm not as into things as I was before, but he definitely knows something is up. There's no way I can have sex with a man who farts while he's fooling around with me, but how can I break up with him without... well, blowing the whistle on what he did wrong?

~ Traumatized by a fart

Dear Traumatized,

I'm traumatized by your story. Let me get this straight, you had an Adonis in your bed and, because he did something perfectly natural and, generally, involuntary at an inconvenient time, you want to get rid of him?

Honey, I have two suggestions for you and one for him. First, I'm worried you ain't never farted before, since you seem so offended by the act. If this is true, go to the doctor. I can't help you.

Second, I don't think this is about the fart. If it is, you may be shallow. Good luck findin' a man as good as Mr. Farting Adonis who will love and hold you just as tightly as he does his anal sphincter.

But I don't think you're shallow. I think you're scared. You got your mister perfect, and maybe things have been good, but you've learned that even perfect ain't all its made out to be. Either you are chasing an ideal that don't exist, and trust me honey, it don't exist. Or you're too scared to admit that what you thought you wanted isn't what you actually want.

If it's the first, you need to stop reading or watching fiction that shows men as infallible. Unless that man is Jesus, you're gonna be disappointed... and if it is Jesus, well, honey, you won't be gettin' nekkid anyway. You understand?

If it's the latter, though, and you've realized Mr. Farting Adonis isn't what you want... and not because o' his toots... well, you gotta pull up your big-girl undies and do the right thing. Tell him. Set that man free, preferably in my direction, and spend some time figurin' out what you really want.

And truly, if you don't fart go get that checked out. Okay?

~ L. B. Whitman

Dear Elbie,

My wife and I have been together a good ten years now and we've always had a great sex life. Like... a stellar sex life. I'm not braggin', honest, because my wife is at least 75% of the reason my teenage-self would be jealous of me. And recently I've hit a problem... a 25lb problem to be approximate.

You see Elbie, I've put on some weight now that I'm in my mid-thirties. I've always been very thin, but since changing careers and winding up in a more sedate desk job, I've started packing on a few pounds. My wife says it doesn't bother her, and she doesn't seem to mind the extra weight when we make love, but I notice. And I hate it. I never understood the anxiety about gaining a little weight, but now that I have to suck in my stomach to see my toes (and other lower appendage), I get it.

I've tried going to the gym and cutting back on food, but that just leaves less time for my wife and I to enjoy one another. Yesterday she asked me if something was wrong with her cooking and I lied and told her I was just stressed. I hated lying to her, but she has always loved my confidence–says its one thing that attracted her to me all those years ago–and I don't know how to tell her I feel fat and unattractive without seeming like I've lost that part of myself. Will she love me as much if I'm not that man anymore?

Can you help?

~ Getting Chubby

Dear Chubby,

Welcome to middle age, where weight stops melting off like you're an ice cream cone on a hot summer's day, and real-world stress starts weighing you down. What you are going through is perfectly normal, both the weight-gain and the lack of confidence, but I'm not so sure you need to worry about your wife loving you any less.

What you should be worried about is yourself. It seems to me you've been a confident fellow for a long time. That doesn't just go away because you got a little more middle. In fact, I don't think it's the desk job that's making you put on weight... well, not directly.

Since this all started with the career change, I'd guess you're struggling with your new identity as a desk-guy. Personally I need to be a few feet from nature at all times, went on a cruise once and it darn near killed me. Too much blue, not enough green. And nowhere to go but round and round and round the decks.

But this ain't about me, is it? This is about you. And Mister, I think you are missin' something in this job that you had in the other one. In fact, I'd like for you to talk to your doctor to see if you might be dealin' with true, blue depression. I've seen it before, after folks came back from the wars especially, and know it can be treated. Your doc'll have a better handle on that end, though.

For now, talk to your wife. I'm willing to bet she's got her own confidence issues, and you can work together to remind yourselves what you love about each other. I've found focusing on loving someone else helps me focus less on how much or little I love myself.

~ L. B. Whitman

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